Lost for words

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer over 4 years ago, at the age of 31, I suddenly became aware of my own mortality, the possibility of being diagnosed with secondary breast cancer hovered over my head like a black cloud. Being part of an elite club, young women, who were diagnosed with breast cancer, I know a number of kick ass girls that have had this secondary diagnosis…and have died- but somehow this always was people that I had not met personally, even though they were friends of friends…and it never really felt real.

Last Sunday, I woke up to the news that one of the amazing Boobettes, had been admitted into hospice, as her treatment for secondary breast cancer was no longer working…Alex was diagnosed after me, and I remember having a Twitter conversation with her, sharing our thoughts on the fear of reucurence and secondaries. Both of us were diagnosed with the same kind of breast cancer, Hormone positive, Her2 negative breast cancer, mine was slightly larger, her’s had affected 3 lymph nodes, mine 2. Both of us had Grade 3, i.e. fast growing breast cancer…Both of us had never really checked our boobs, and both of us had been misdiagnosed initially, because of our age. Now- I am sat here at the Hilton in Chad, she is in a hospice now…how is that fair?????

I am pissed of with the world at the moment, pissed of that this amazing young women is going to be taken away from the world so soon! 

I finally got meet Alex this year at the CoppaFeel! thank you party in March, and she was so full of life, she lit up the room with her amazing smile and her zest for life! She epitomised the girl that was living with cancer, rather than fighting it, enjoying every moment, making sure to savour life to the maximum! Being friends with her on Facebook and Twitter, I never heard her grumble about her situation.  Over the last couple of years, instead on dwelling on how unfair the situation was, she was heavily involved with various charities, trying to raise awareness of breast cancer, in order to ensure that others would not have to go through the same thing as her. Instead of having cancer define her life, she defined it herself!

Sunday morning I woke up, looked at my Facebook feed, and started to cry…cancer is a bastard…and I hate what it is doing to my friends!

Alex, you are a shining star, you are the girl that reminds me to live every moment, to find the beauty in the small things, and I am sending you all the love in the world!

To all my friends, please check your boobs, because knowing them could save your your life!

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When life catches up with you

3 months ago I stepped into a plane, nothing unusual with that really… Nothing unusual either with stepping into a plane to start a new job…what is slightly unusual, at least for most, is the country that I decided to move to…Chad…where the hell is Chad most of you will be thinking…well- before moving here I didn’t know either…

Finally 4 years after my breast cancer diagnosis, I had got to the point wher I felt that my life no longer had to be on hold…I had done a lot over the lasts 4 years, but always within the safety net of my old job, a job that I didn’t really like, but one that I was very good at…living in a city that I had gotten used to, and just as I left, had actually grown to love. Life had kinda got back to normal, no longer was I constantly fearing that my breast cancer would come back, or worse  spread.

For the last 4 years I had been volunteering for CoppaFeel!, raising awareness for this amazing charity, raising awareness of breast cancer with young adults, raising money for them, by running…a lot! talking boobs at festivals and trekking the Great Wall of China…all of this gave me purpose, was an integral part of my identity, and helped me to turn this turd of situation into sparkly rainbow. I cannot put into words what this charity, and the amazing people that I have met along the way for this charity mean to me…what I can say is that without them I would not be where I am now!

So after 4 years of building myself up again, regaining my confidence, and finding myself again, I accepted a job in Chad! Bye, bye safety net, hello unknown…bye, bye CoppaFeel!, boob filled conversation, hello world in which no one, well hardly anyone, knows that I had breast cancer…

It’s weird to be in a place where no one, or rather hardly anyone, knows that I had breast cancer…it feels like part of my persona is missing…breast cancer willingly or unwillingly has become part of me- and whilst it is nice to be just Rhyan, not Rhyan the girl that was diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, I am missing the part of me that was constantly trying to raise awareness of breast cancer, the part that kicked ass and ran a ridicolous amount of races, just because she wanted to show cancer who was the boss. I miss the part that had found a common bond with total strangers, because we could relate to have being diagnosed at a young age with breast cancer. And then, on top, I sometimes feel that I am not being fully honest with everyone, that I am hiding something. Hiding something out of fear that they might judge me, or think less of me. Hey, maybe they would understand me better if they knew?

Its weird to be in an environment where no one knows what happened, and no one knows that me being here, managing to be my bubbly, smily self, is actually quite an achievement, considering what I have been through. My old work colleagues knew first hand how much I had struggled through all the breast cancer malachi, and breaking up with my ex, half way through breast cancer treatment, and my subsequent stay in psychiatric hospital. My old colleagues, and my friends in Germany and the UK knew that me having a bad day was just going to happen every now and again, even 4 years post breast cancer shit! I guess what a I am trying to say is that here everyone treats my like everyone else…not knowing why I react in certain ways…not giving me leaway for the shit that I have gone through. But maybe that’s not a bad thing, because why should I be treated any differently to anyone else, particularly in a country like Chad, where nearly everyone goes through shit.

And then maybe all of this is just another part of the journey of finding myself back to a new normal, a normal now, where I get treated like a normal person. A normal, where people don’t tilt their head remembering what I went through. A normal where only those who need to know, know what I have been through. A normal where I can draw from all my experiences from the past 4 years, and use them to my advantage, without them defining me. A normal where I can still be the kick ass person I am, without people knowing why. 

Breast cancer has forever changed my life, but maybe, at least for the time being, it is not going to dominate my life as much as it has for the last 4 years, and maybe, that’s a good thing. So here is to living in Chad, and saying yes to life!

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I’ve made it- my life is complete

I was listening to radio 1 a couple of days ago, and Tiny Temper was on to introduce a new song of his. Whilst he was on BBC1 he also mentioned that he had met Matt LeBlanc when filming for Top Gear. According to him, meeting any member of the “Friends” crew, means you have made it…

So, according to Tiny Temper, I have made it.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Manchester with CoppaFeel! I volunteered at a charity ball that was held in aid of CoppaFeel! When I first signed up to do it, I just thought, it would be a nice opportunity to help raise some money for CoppaFeel! and maybe have a bit of boogie- as I had heard that Snow Patrol would be playing at the ball. Mainly, I thought, I would have the chance to talk to some people, and encourage them to check their boobs.

As I was getting ready to drive down to Manchester, I spoke to Sophie, the Health and Education Manager at CoppaFeel, who told me that Courtney Cox was going to be at the Ball- what!?!  How surreal can life get…Courtney Cox…Monica from Friends…

So, I got to talk boobs, help with the fundraising, oh and I got to meet Courtney Cox…so I have made it in life…nothing else for me to achieve 😉

The charity ball was a hug success, Jonny Mcdaid, one of the members of Snow Patrol, whose sister too has had breast cancer, held a really emotional speech at the ball, which made me realise how difficult it must be for the family members of someone who goes through breast cancer. We only really ever see it from our point of view, and whilst it is absolutely shit to go through breast cancer and breast cancer treatment, I never realised how difficult it must be for family and friends.

Listening to Snow Patrol was amazing, I got to feel like a student again! Life s all about the silver lining!

Signing up to being a Boobette has been one of the most amazing experience in my life. I have been able to use my story to raise awareness and encourage young people to check their boobs. It also helps me to grow as a person, taught me to say yes, become more confident and has given me the opportunity to meet some amazing people and do some amazing things. I am grateful to have had the privilege to be part of this charity. I might not be active as a Boobette for much longer- but I will always remain a Boobette by heart.

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I had breast cancer! I was young! It was shit! I got over it!

No need for head tilts and “oh I am so sorry for you”!

Tilting heads, pitiful eyes, sorrowful words- none of them help! They just make me feel pathetic!

Rant over!


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Nothing is ever as it seems

This post has been a long time coming, it has been brewing for quite a long time, but every time I have wanted to sit down to write it…I just could not quite find the words.

There is nothing to worry about on the cancer side- all is good in cancerland…I think, I guess…the last blood tests I had say that I am fine- so health wise I am fine. FULLSTOP…

Otherwise I am fine too- running, a lot, travelling, quite a bit, doing my fundraising and charity work in my free time for CoppaFeel…spending time with some pretty amazing people…doing stuff at work that I really enjoy…So all good, in the hood!

And I guess that’s why its been difficult for me to sit down and write this post- from the outside everything seems perfect.

But not all is well in the state of Denmark- or in this case, in my little world…

I don’t really let others know what or how I feel- because that makes me vulnerable, and that’s not who I am…or rather that I not how I want to be seen!

I want people to see me as this strong, independent, woman, who takes everything head on, who doesn’t get phased by anything…I am the slightly annoying, loud girl. I am in your face, the one that will confidently talk to anyone, I make a tit out of myself, because, that’s what you do…I am the girl that travels the world by myself, because, I am comfortable with myself…and hey, I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I am the girl that runs be-zillion half-marathons, because, well, I want to show the world that I can! I am the girl that is a social butterfly, who has no fears of talking to strangers…

But really, that is only one side of me, because their is the other side to me, that only those those who have known me forever are allowed to normally see, the girl that is constantly questioning herself, doubting herself, worrying about what others are thinking about her…the girl that feels awkward in social situations, and feels she is constantly upsetting others, because, well she is to direct…the girl, or rather woman, that is afraid of being by herself, afraid that, people will judge her, when they realise that actually she isn’t as strong as she makes out to be! The woman that would actually like to have the balls to start a relationship again, but, because out of fear of being rejected would rather not do anything about it…

So forever there is this conflict!

This is not to say that I am unhappy, I am happy! But I am also tired, tired of feeling that I have to behave in a certain way for people to like me… Tired of not wanting to be judged. Tired of not wanting to be rejected. Tired of wanting to be liked. Tired of feeling that I have to constantly explain myself!

I know I am being a little harsh on myself, and maybe I should just treat myself, as if I was my best friend…

If my best friend was in my situation, I would probably just say, hey, its ok! Nobody is asking you to be perfect…but that is the crux, I want to be perfect! And my idea of being perfect, is being someone, who can deal with everything that is thrown at her in a positive manner. My idea of being perfect, is not letting others see that sometimes, I find it difficult to cope!

I guess what I am trying to do, is give myself permission to not be perfect, and ask those around me to forgive me for my imperfections!




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I went walking in Bavaria last weekend…although I probs would rather call it hiking- as it invovelved mountains, snow and long distances.

We walked 15 km the one day and 19 the next, if you had asked me to do this a year ago- I would have turned around and said NO!! Trekking the Great Wall of China has definitely changed my opinion on hiking- I really enjoy it nowadays.

Being outside in the fresh air, walking for a long period of time in silence most of the time, allowes me to just enjoy the moment- experience the here and now. It makes me feel free.

On the first day the weather was awful- cold, foggy and lots of snow…but it gave me the chance to take a picture with this snowhare that someone had made…


It reminded me of a skiing holiday my sister and I had with our dad in 1994. We had gone to the Swiss Alps and it had snowed soo much over night that the roads were bloked and we could not sky for one day. My sister and I built a snowhare.


What a coincidence that I found another snowhare 22 years on ❤❤❤

The next day we went walking along the Danube. Although the weather was marginally better- no snow or fog, it still was really cold. The original plan had been to walk all the way to the Walhalla, which is a historical sight- important in German Romatism and Nationalism. But after we had walked 9 km in the blazing wind- we decided to turn around and drive to the Walhalla…

This the view that we had from the Walhalla over the Danube.


I think I still from the I am scarred of missing out syndrom- but hey- life is for living and there to make memories…and that’s what I did in Bavaria!


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Everyday I am shuffling

I ran the endurance life coastal run up at Bamburgh castle today- it was epic.


I stumbled over this amazing race last year- when I was putting together my runs for CoppaFeel…last year I made the mistake of booking two subsequent races, this 10k, followed by the Bath Half….not my smartest moment

It was painfull!

This year not only had I trained better, but I also did not have the Bath Half looming, so I could run a little faster. Looking at the official results, I improved my time by 8 min- pow!
My watch says 12 minutes but I trust their timing more.


I love this race- it’s in the most amazingly scenic area in the North East of England, in Northumberland. Running there makes me feel free!


I think, no I am sure that I will be running this race against  next year! Let’s see what time I can get then.

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Return of the blog!

Ahem…so somehow I managed to loose/forget my password for my blog…as well as for the email account that is associated with the blog…and I only regained access like a week ago…hence my absence from the blog.

Sorry- not sorry really, cause ultimately this shows how little importance breast cancer has in my day to day life.

But- I don’t want to abandon this blog- rather I am wanting to reinvigorate it- I don’t want to fill it with cancer talk, but with travel, running- life! Because that’s what this blog was always going to be about- living life after a breast cancer diagnosis!

But first- I feel the need to wrap 2015 up- it was such a bloody good year that it would be unfair to not give it the credit it deserves.

2015 started rather uneventful- I think I was in bed before 12:30…but that was probably the only uneventful part of 2015.

I ran five half marathons, three 10ks, hiked the great Wall of China with the most amazing people ever for the charity that means so much to me- Coppafeel! Raised loads of money and found a new family- love team China!!!!

I travelled loads- visited Denmark with my family- spent my dad’s 75th birthday travelling through Turkey- and finally got to spend time with my sister and my best friend in Brazil!

I went diving in the UK- which is not something I ever thought I would do- seriously in what universe would one want to go diving in water that is barely 14 degrees warm???? Well’ if you get the chance to dive with seals, then even someone like me- who only really likes water when it’s 28+ degrees warm, will jump into the water.

I seriously tried to pack in as much travelling, fun, seeing friends, doing as many things, as possible- as I realised that the only thing that is guaranteed is that I am well now! Nothing else is guaranteed.

Last year was a year where I learnt a lot about myself- I learnt that I find social situations with lots of new, different people difficult to handle- because I am scared that people judge me. I also found that I am not the only one who feels like that… If we all just realised that each and every one of us has social anxieties that they just don’t want to admit to- life would be soo much easier.

Spending time by myself, made me realise that I don’t need someone else to be happy- happyness starts from within…it sounds so cliche, but it’s so true! Of course it would be great to find someone to share these amazing experiences with- but rather than being obsessed with finding that certain someone I would rather concentrate on creating my own happyness.
On the other hand- spending time with new people has made me realise how important it is to be amongst people that understand you and make you happy- and that is exactly what I do now.
I just came back today from the best weekend ever with some of the girls from the Coppafeel China Trek!!! I have soo much love for them- each and every one of them has taught me soo much since I met them last year in October!

2015- ended with a bang! We spent it on the Copacabana! 2016 should be another amazing year…but you never know what card you are going to be dealt! The only thing I can guarantee is that I am going to make the best out of every single moment!

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A message from Alex

Living with Secondary Breast Cancer


Hello to everyone who has been following my mother, Sara’s, blog.

My my name is Alex, mentioned in several of my mother’s posts. I feel honoured to have shared so much of my mum’s journey with her.

Sadly my mother passed away on Sunday November 29th in St.Gemma’s Hospice. It has been a very sad and emotional time. My mum fought on until the very end. She continued to be so strong, brave and to support those around her.

Thank you for all your lovely cards and messages. I have felt so moved and blessed to have such amazing support shown to my mum, to me and to my family. Please feel free to write in the comments on the blog. All comments and wishes will be passed on to the family.

The funeral date for my mum is going to be December 22nd at 13.40 at Lawnswood Cemetery in Leeds…

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I am a turkey 🙈

I know- I have not written yet about my recent charity trek to China- but I will get around to that.

Now- let me talk about my recent trip to Turkey ❤️❤️❤️❤️

My dad and I returned back from our trip to Turkey just over a week ago. We had the most amazing time, and I am glad to confirm that not speaking Turkish for over 10 years did not seem to have made a difference. I was speaking Turkish as if I had not left Turkey. I did however sometimes choose to pretend I understand nothing- in particular when a taxi driver was telling me that Hitler was his idol- hmmm….

After flying to Ankara with Pegasus Airlines- which was quite an experience, they mixed up the gates, the flight was packed and sitting in the plane I was doubting my ability to speak Turkish, as I did not understand a word anyone was saying. (I guess it is a bit like my German friends coming over to Newcastle and not understanding Geordie), we arrived at the new Esenboga airport.

Our time in Ankara was amazing, we met up with a lot of our old friends, and walking a long the Tunus Cadesi, my dad and I were greeted by the green grocer- 11 years later and they still remembered us🙂

I had arranged to celebrate my dad’s birthday at the Cafe de Cafe in Ankara, where we had spent so much time when we had lived in Turkey. By coincidence Cafe de Cafe was celebrating their 20th Anniversary on my dad’s birthday. They actually opened the year that we had moved to Turkey. The service offered to my dad from Cafe de Cafe was amazing.

My dad and I then moved on to Cappadokia were we met up with one of our dear friends, who owns a carpet shop in Goereme. Tourism has definitely increased in the last 10 years, and the horse drawn carts seem to have disappeared, replaced by tractors. I suppose I am being nostalgic. We stayed in one of the most amazing cave houses.

After Cappadocia, my dad and I drove on to Izmir, with a stop over in Afyon. Driving in Turkey is one thing that has not changed, people still drive like lunatics, a zebra crossing is merely an indication for pedestrians that they could cross the road, red lights are a suggestion to stop and indicating is optional, and only necessary if you intend to turn in the opposite direction that you indicated.

We arrived in Izmir with an amazing blue sky and temperatures of 20 degrees- for the beginning of November pretty good temperatures. In Izmir we met up with the Head Chef of the Swiss Hotel Izmir, and we stayed at his house in Urla. Being so close to the sea, being able to spend time walking along the sea side was amazing. We even visited a new Winery close by, you wouldn’t have known that you were in Turkey, it was amazing, you might have thought you were in France.

Instead of driving to Istanbul, my dad and I decided to take advantage of flying there with Pegasus airlines. With the government subsidizing the airlines, flying has become cheaper than taking the bus.
After landing in Sahiba Goekce it took over 1.5 hours to get to Kozyatagi, which is on the Asian side of Istanbul- traffic there is more manic than in Cairo!!

I was supposed to run the Istanbul Marathon, but unfortunately I had a cold and therefore decided not to run. Instead my dad and I spent a quiet day on one of the Princess Islands, it was lovely! Very serene and relaxing.

One thing is for sure- I am not going to let it be another 11 before I visit Turkey again!

I love Turkey- as some of my friends say, I am a Turk 🙃😄🤗

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Lifestyle for the Twenty-Something Explorer.

Living with Secondary Breast Cancer

A blog by Sara el Hassani (1957-2015)

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Cute & Colourful Knitting Projects & Patterns inspired by things I love

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