Fertility- or if your mom hadn’t had you then you wouldn’t be around!

When I was in my early 20s I thought that by the age of 26- with or without a husband, I would have already had my first child…hmmm that never happen… but then, I never really was worried, because….hey women have children now in their late 30s early 40s…Fast forward 5 years, and at the tender age of 31, I was given the bombshell, called breast cancer! Not only that, hormones, in particular that pesky hormone estrogone were feeding my cancer…forget any family planning! Mission saving my own fucking life started!

Being so young- cue tilting head- they threw everything at me! Chemotherapy- so long ovaries, radiotherapy, and last but not least hormone therapy, for, just in case my ovaries had decided to rejuvenate after the chemotherapy was over, we would definitely make sure they would not awaken again…welcome monthly injections the size of horse needles to propel you into a state of menopause! 

Now this cocktail has kept me cancer free for the last 5 years, yay me!! if you believe statistics there was a 50% chance of this happening… so for once I am on the right side of the statistical band wagon that is carted about when doctors talk about possibilities of survival and reucurence. This cocktail has also kept me, intentionally, menopausal….currently we could argue this is temporary, but, by the time I finish with all this medication, aka in 5 years time, I don’t think this will be oh so temporary anymore…I doubt my ovaries will want to be fired up again at the age of 41! Fuck- that’s old!

In Europe, I kinda had gotten used to the idea of not having kids, it’s culturally acceptable there. It’s not, that I had got used to it per se, however I had decided that as it was something that I could not change, I was not going to let it upset me- hell yeah, I am grown up!! But seriously, I had really started to enjoy seeing my my friends getting married, popping babies, me being able to cuddle them, hug them, play with them, and give them back when they started to cry… and subsequently make my friends with children jealous when they saw me jetting of somewhere exciting, because, well, I do not have any responsibilities… there is a silver lining to everything…if you search long enough!

Fast forward to me currently living in Chad- and it ain’t that easy anymore…I know I am not going to stay here for the rest of my life…but right now the constant questioning of why me, as a 36 year OLD women – me old- are you crazy!! hasn’t got kids yet, is quite literally driving me crazy! Women here are defined by how many kids they have- and of course being married…the more the better, kids, not husbands… it’s only the husbands who can/ should have 4 wives- but that is another story. A women without either, particularly over the age of 30, is not considered a lot here. What have you achieved, if you havnt even been able to have kids? This is a country where women, girls, as young as 13/14 have their first child! Again another story!! 

The, I don’t want kids doesn’t work- as they then just throw the-“well if your mom had said that then you wouldn’t be here” right back at me…. The I can’t have kids doesn’t work either- then they throw the “that is in gods hands, miracles can always happen” at me… Sure, I could then say to them, I cannot have children because of having had treatment for breast cancer…which would literally mean, me saying this to every second person, coming along my way- stranger, colleague, business partner, guest, supplier, you name it…. but this would feel like being a bit too open about my private life…and that I just am not able to do…I still want to keep some of Rhyan to myself…and trust me it’s difficult in a country like this! Privacy- what privacy- I will call you at 2 am- to see how you are…hell no!

But even if I told everyone, would they understand? Breast cancer exists in Chad. But in a country where life expectancy is 54 years, 1 in 5 children will die before the age of 5 due to preventable diseases, like diareah or respitory infections, malnutrition or malaria, and around 40% of the population is suffering from malnutrition, breast cancer suddenly becomes a very “white womens'” disease. (Although of course this does not mean we should not talk about it- we should…it just looses its significance in comparison…) And, takinging the medical situation here into consideration, I hardly think that the hardship of treatment, and the consequences this has had on my mind and my fertility, really will play on anybodies mind here, as an explanation to why I do not have kids. It is rather a, well, you are lucky to live in a world where you have access to doctors and medicine, without having to sell your own grandmother – you are alive now aren’t you? Go and stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get going with having kids. This is the response which will be given to me. And I can understand them! We are so fucking lucky!! (In the grand scheme of things- not that having cancer was ever part of being lucky…but this is where it gets complicated…)

What I am trying to get at in this post is, that I have actually not yet gotten to terms with not being able to have children. European culture just allowed me to pretend that I was way happier being the independent, strong women I am. African culture has brought to the surface this loss, and I am forced to be confront with it nearly every single day. I see my friends getting pregnant here, and it’s a whole different ball game, it’s friends that didn’t plan on getting pregnant, and I see them and think, I wish that was me…but unless some divine miracle happens, it doesn’t look like that will ever be me. Maybe one day I will truly be able to burry this loss. Maybe, one day, I will decide to adopt, let’s see! And if I do, I want it to be a child, no a girl, that would not have had any chances to make anything out of themselves! Because if I adopt, at least the life of two people would have been changed then…for the better! But for the moment, I am not quite there yet! And I will continue being strong, independent Rhyan!
 

Its a new day, it’s a new life…

So we are now half way through the first month of 2017! 2017…where has time gone? 

I started writing this blog in 2013, as a way to digest, and reflect on my cancer diagnosis, or rather, on my life post cancer treatment…back then everything was still quite raw, reading through my blog, I can see how I have moved further and further away from being the girl that had cancer…but no matter what happens, I know deep down that it is this cancer diagnosis that has given me the kick up my arse to look for the good things in life- so I might no longer be the girl that talks tits all the time…but I am the girl that says yes to life, because she had a brush with death!

That said, I feel it is time to appreciate 2016! 

2016 was the year of doing new things for me, the year of change! When I was visiting my sister Christmas 2015 I had vowed to find leave my job by August 2016! I felt 5 years at the same company was enough, and desperately wanted to move abroad again, and start working in the hospitality sector again…and guess what- I did it!

But before we get to that, August 2016, there was still a lot in between going on…

For one thing, there was the running! Whilst I was not aiming to beat any records, run a bizillion races in 2016, I ran a lot, this time round just for myself. Running was no longer just about showing cancer who is the boss, but more about feeling free, and enjoying the moment.

Just before leaving the UK, I did do one last charity run, with my old company, my lasting legacy at TP Orthodontics will be the 3 Leeds10ks that were run, inspiring my fellow colleagues to done on their running shoes 🙂 I still get messages and pictures from some of them, showing of their new found love for running… This year I was particularly proud of those that ran the Leeds10k with me, as I had already left my job, and did not early expect anyone to honour their commitment…So big massiv thank you to everyone who made this happen!

As I am sat here in Chad, I have to say, I do miss my team boobs outfit, and I definitely miss my giant boob…I know I told my friends that I would not be doing anymore charity races…but as I look at this picture, I do feel a very real urg to start training for “one last fundraising event”…and dust of my team boobs shirt and blow up the balloons to stuff that boob…keep your eyes open 😉 

2016 was also a great year for travelling…after having been to Turkey, China and Brazil, all in the space of three months in 2015, I had vowed to continue to visit at least one new country each year. So when my parents expressed their interest in spending Easter with me, I suggested that we should travel to Poland. I had never been there before, and it was a fairly affordable and easy place to get too. Poland, really blew my mind, the Baltic coast there is AMAZING! Long sandy beaches,where you can walk for miles and miles, allowing you to get rid of all those cob webs. The north east of Poland is also still fairly traditional, and rural, giving you the space to step down a gear, and slow down to enjoy life a little more. I will be back.

As I said 2016 was the year of trying new things…including hiking through the Alps with one of my close friends…although, the trek we did the one time should not be called hiking…but rather scrambling/climbing! I am not the greatest fan of heights, and I am also known for being slightly clumsy…so when my friend suggested we should hike up the Hohenstaufen, which she described as a challenging HIKE, I said Yes…hiking I can do… What it turned out to be was more than hiking…with moments where, I as a novice scrambler did not know where to put my feet…which resulted in my friend coining one of the best phrases ever…”hug the mountain as if you wants to f#%ck it” But honestly I am so grateful to my friend for taking me up there- allowing me to prove to myself that no matter how scary something is, you can do it!

And then of course 2016 was about the silverlining, the silverlining of breast cancer that came in the form of volunteering at some pretty cool, and when I say pretty cool events, I mean, mind-bogglingly cool, cool events. Two other Boobettes and me, got to volunteer at a CoppaFeel! fundraising event that had been organised by the sister of one of the Snow Patrol members…but nobody had told us this until the day…I had just said yes to volunteering at this event, as I love CoppaFeel! and tend to say yes to each and to everything they throw my way. It turned out to be one the most amazing nights of my life, I was stood 2 meters away from the stage, at a private Snow Patrol gig, and moreover, I got to meet Courtney Cox, Monica from Friends- not too forget helping at an event that helped to raise thousands of pounds for a charity that is so close to my heart.

And then there was the new job in 2016, back to hospitality, July 23rd 2016! In a new country, a country that hitherto I had hardly heard about…Chad…I only knew that they had a former president that had been in th news for crimes against humanity…but back to the new job. In July 2016, I started back again with the Hilton, in November 2015, I stayed at the Hilton in Istanbul, and my mind was set for me to get back, I wanted to restart my career, which had been put on hold due to breast cancer…so now here I am, working in one of the most difficult countries in the world, but enjoying the challenge- as I know that adversity grows you more, then when you are working within your comfort zone. Everyday has its challenges, but the idea is to rise to these challenges, and not let them overwhelme you. 

2016 was the year where I got to meet someone who I now consider a close friend, a girl who just like me has lived abroad most her life, a girl that I envy for her ability to speak bizillion foreign languages, a girl that was so kind to listen to me beg her to take me to the East of Chad, as I was desperate to get to know the country, and see more than just my golden cage.

Thanks to Amanda, I got to go to Bitkine and Mongo, and I got to meet some of the kindest people I have met in a long time. Amanda works for IAS, an NGO that drills wells in areas where people are struggling to find water. They also have self help groups for women in and around Bitkine, which we visited. Meeting these women was humbling, despite all the hardship and adversities they face, they laughed, smiled and were genuinely happy and excited to see us. These ladies could teach a lot of us some very important lessons…life is not about the things you own, life cannot be measured by material things…life is about sharing it with people you love, and making memories.

Whilst 2016 was a great year, it also had its down sides…one in particular, that hit me hard! We, the Boobettes, a group of young women that all share one thing, they were either diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, or where affected by it in another way, and use our stories to spread the CoppaFeel! message of the importance of getting to know your boobs and the signs and symptoms of breast cancer, we lost one of our brightest stars.  Alex, who is now shining down on us, wishing us on, reminding us to enjoy life, to take it day by day, and remember that we define what we are, not the circumstances that we find ourselves in. As much as cancer has taken a back step in my life, moments like these make it all so real again! Nothing in life is certain, and that’s why we can’t take anything for granted, bust must strive to step out of comfort zone, ignore the perceived boundaries, say yes to life and make sure that we LIVE.

Here is to a brilliant 2017!

When life catches up with you

3 months ago I stepped into a plane, nothing unusual with that really… Nothing unusual either with stepping into a plane to start a new job…what is slightly unusual, at least for most, is the country that I decided to move to…Chad…where the hell is Chad most of you will be thinking…well- before moving here I didn’t know either…

Finally 4 years after my breast cancer diagnosis, I had got to the point wher I felt that my life no longer had to be on hold…I had done a lot over the lasts 4 years, but always within the safety net of my old job, a job that I didn’t really like, but one that I was very good at…living in a city that I had gotten used to, and just as I left, had actually grown to love. Life had kinda got back to normal, no longer was I constantly fearing that my breast cancer would come back, or worse  spread.

For the last 4 years I had been volunteering for CoppaFeel!, raising awareness for this amazing charity, raising awareness of breast cancer with young adults, raising money for them, by running…a lot! talking boobs at festivals and trekking the Great Wall of China…all of this gave me purpose, was an integral part of my identity, and helped me to turn this turd of situation into sparkly rainbow. I cannot put into words what this charity, and the amazing people that I have met along the way for this charity mean to me…what I can say is that without them I would not be where I am now!

So after 4 years of building myself up again, regaining my confidence, and finding myself again, I accepted a job in Chad! Bye, bye safety net, hello unknown…bye, bye CoppaFeel!, boob filled conversation, hello world in which no one, well hardly anyone, knows that I had breast cancer…

It’s weird to be in a place where no one, or rather hardly anyone, knows that I had breast cancer…it feels like part of my persona is missing…breast cancer willingly or unwillingly has become part of me- and whilst it is nice to be just Rhyan, not Rhyan the girl that was diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, I am missing the part of me that was constantly trying to raise awareness of breast cancer, the part that kicked ass and ran a ridicolous amount of races, just because she wanted to show cancer who was the boss. I miss the part that had found a common bond with total strangers, because we could relate to have being diagnosed at a young age with breast cancer. And then, on top, I sometimes feel that I am not being fully honest with everyone, that I am hiding something. Hiding something out of fear that they might judge me, or think less of me. Hey, maybe they would understand me better if they knew?

Its weird to be in an environment where no one knows what happened, and no one knows that me being here, managing to be my bubbly, smily self, is actually quite an achievement, considering what I have been through. My old work colleagues knew first hand how much I had struggled through all the breast cancer malachi, and breaking up with my ex, half way through breast cancer treatment, and my subsequent stay in psychiatric hospital. My old colleagues, and my friends in Germany and the UK knew that me having a bad day was just going to happen every now and again, even 4 years post breast cancer shit! I guess what a I am trying to say is that here everyone treats my like everyone else…not knowing why I react in certain ways…not giving me leaway for the shit that I have gone through. But maybe that’s not a bad thing, because why should I be treated any differently to anyone else, particularly in a country like Chad, where nearly everyone goes through shit.

And then maybe all of this is just another part of the journey of finding myself back to a new normal, a normal now, where I get treated like a normal person. A normal, where people don’t tilt their head remembering what I went through. A normal where only those who need to know, know what I have been through. A normal where I can draw from all my experiences from the past 4 years, and use them to my advantage, without them defining me. A normal where I can still be the kick ass person I am, without people knowing why. 

Breast cancer has forever changed my life, but maybe, at least for the time being, it is not going to dominate my life as much as it has for the last 4 years, and maybe, that’s a good thing. So here is to living in Chad, and saying yes to life!

I’ve made it- my life is complete

I was listening to radio 1 a couple of days ago, and Tiny Temper was on to introduce a new song of his. Whilst he was on BBC1 he also mentioned that he had met Matt LeBlanc when filming for Top Gear. According to him, meeting any member of the “Friends” crew, means you have made it…

So, according to Tiny Temper, I have made it.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Manchester with CoppaFeel! I volunteered at a charity ball that was held in aid of CoppaFeel! When I first signed up to do it, I just thought, it would be a nice opportunity to help raise some money for CoppaFeel! and maybe have a bit of boogie- as I had heard that Snow Patrol would be playing at the ball. Mainly, I thought, I would have the chance to talk to some people, and encourage them to check their boobs.

As I was getting ready to drive down to Manchester, I spoke to Sophie, the Health and Education Manager at CoppaFeel, who told me that Courtney Cox was going to be at the Ball- what!?!  How surreal can life get…Courtney Cox…Monica from Friends…

So, I got to talk boobs, help with the fundraising, oh and I got to meet Courtney Cox…so I have made it in life…nothing else for me to achieve 😉

The charity ball was a hug success, Jonny Mcdaid, one of the members of Snow Patrol, whose sister too has had breast cancer, held a really emotional speech at the ball, which made me realise how difficult it must be for the family members of someone who goes through breast cancer. We only really ever see it from our point of view, and whilst it is absolutely shit to go through breast cancer and breast cancer treatment, I never realised how difficult it must be for family and friends.

Listening to Snow Patrol was amazing, I got to feel like a student again! Life s all about the silver lining!

Signing up to being a Boobette has been one of the most amazing experience in my life. I have been able to use my story to raise awareness and encourage young people to check their boobs. It also helps me to grow as a person, taught me to say yes, become more confident and has given me the opportunity to meet some amazing people and do some amazing things. I am grateful to have had the privilege to be part of this charity. I might not be active as a Boobette for much longer- but I will always remain a Boobette by heart.

Grrr…

I had breast cancer! I was young! It was shit! I got over it!

No need for head tilts and “oh I am so sorry for you”!

Tilting heads, pitiful eyes, sorrowful words- none of them help! They just make me feel pathetic!

Rant over!

 

Return of the blog!

Ahem…so somehow I managed to loose/forget my password for my blog…as well as for the email account that is associated with the blog…and I only regained access like a week ago…hence my absence from the blog.

Sorry- not sorry really, cause ultimately this shows how little importance breast cancer has in my day to day life.

But- I don’t want to abandon this blog- rather I am wanting to reinvigorate it- I don’t want to fill it with cancer talk, but with travel, running- life! Because that’s what this blog was always going to be about- living life after a breast cancer diagnosis!

But first- I feel the need to wrap 2015 up- it was such a bloody good year that it would be unfair to not give it the credit it deserves.

2015 started rather uneventful- I think I was in bed before 12:30…but that was probably the only uneventful part of 2015.

I ran five half marathons, three 10ks, hiked the great Wall of China with the most amazing people ever for the charity that means so much to me- Coppafeel! Raised loads of money and found a new family- love team China!!!!

I travelled loads- visited Denmark with my family- spent my dad’s 75th birthday travelling through Turkey- and finally got to spend time with my sister and my best friend in Brazil!

I went diving in the UK- which is not something I ever thought I would do- seriously in what universe would one want to go diving in water that is barely 14 degrees warm???? Well’ if you get the chance to dive with seals, then even someone like me- who only really likes water when it’s 28+ degrees warm, will jump into the water.

I seriously tried to pack in as much travelling, fun, seeing friends, doing as many things, as possible- as I realised that the only thing that is guaranteed is that I am well now! Nothing else is guaranteed.

Last year was a year where I learnt a lot about myself- I learnt that I find social situations with lots of new, different people difficult to handle- because I am scared that people judge me. I also found that I am not the only one who feels like that… If we all just realised that each and every one of us has social anxieties that they just don’t want to admit to- life would be soo much easier.

Spending time by myself, made me realise that I don’t need someone else to be happy- happyness starts from within…it sounds so cliche, but it’s so true! Of course it would be great to find someone to share these amazing experiences with- but rather than being obsessed with finding that certain someone I would rather concentrate on creating my own happyness.
On the other hand- spending time with new people has made me realise how important it is to be amongst people that understand you and make you happy- and that is exactly what I do now.
I just came back today from the best weekend ever with some of the girls from the Coppafeel China Trek!!! I have soo much love for them- each and every one of them has taught me soo much since I met them last year in October!

2015- ended with a bang! We spent it on the Copacabana! 2016 should be another amazing year…but you never know what card you are going to be dealt! The only thing I can guarantee is that I am going to make the best out of every single moment!

I am a turkey 🙈

I know- I have not written yet about my recent charity trek to China- but I will get around to that.

Now- let me talk about my recent trip to Turkey ❤️❤️❤️❤️

My dad and I returned back from our trip to Turkey just over a week ago. We had the most amazing time, and I am glad to confirm that not speaking Turkish for over 10 years did not seem to have made a difference. I was speaking Turkish as if I had not left Turkey. I did however sometimes choose to pretend I understand nothing- in particular when a taxi driver was telling me that Hitler was his idol- hmmm….

After flying to Ankara with Pegasus Airlines- which was quite an experience, they mixed up the gates, the flight was packed and sitting in the plane I was doubting my ability to speak Turkish, as I did not understand a word anyone was saying. (I guess it is a bit like my German friends coming over to Newcastle and not understanding Geordie), we arrived at the new Esenboga airport.

Our time in Ankara was amazing, we met up with a lot of our old friends, and walking a long the Tunus Cadesi, my dad and I were greeted by the green grocer- 11 years later and they still remembered us 🙂

I had arranged to celebrate my dad’s birthday at the Cafe de Cafe in Ankara, where we had spent so much time when we had lived in Turkey. By coincidence Cafe de Cafe was celebrating their 20th Anniversary on my dad’s birthday. They actually opened the year that we had moved to Turkey. The service offered to my dad from Cafe de Cafe was amazing.

My dad and I then moved on to Cappadokia were we met up with one of our dear friends, who owns a carpet shop in Goereme. Tourism has definitely increased in the last 10 years, and the horse drawn carts seem to have disappeared, replaced by tractors. I suppose I am being nostalgic. We stayed in one of the most amazing cave houses.

After Cappadocia, my dad and I drove on to Izmir, with a stop over in Afyon. Driving in Turkey is one thing that has not changed, people still drive like lunatics, a zebra crossing is merely an indication for pedestrians that they could cross the road, red lights are a suggestion to stop and indicating is optional, and only necessary if you intend to turn in the opposite direction that you indicated.

We arrived in Izmir with an amazing blue sky and temperatures of 20 degrees- for the beginning of November pretty good temperatures. In Izmir we met up with the Head Chef of the Swiss Hotel Izmir, and we stayed at his house in Urla. Being so close to the sea, being able to spend time walking along the sea side was amazing. We even visited a new Winery close by, you wouldn’t have known that you were in Turkey, it was amazing, you might have thought you were in France.

Instead of driving to Istanbul, my dad and I decided to take advantage of flying there with Pegasus airlines. With the government subsidizing the airlines, flying has become cheaper than taking the bus.
After landing in Sahiba Goekce it took over 1.5 hours to get to Kozyatagi, which is on the Asian side of Istanbul- traffic there is more manic than in Cairo!!

I was supposed to run the Istanbul Marathon, but unfortunately I had a cold and therefore decided not to run. Instead my dad and I spent a quiet day on one of the Princess Islands, it was lovely! Very serene and relaxing.

One thing is for sure- I am not going to let it be another 11 before I visit Turkey again!

I love Turkey- as some of my friends say, I am a Turk 🙃😄🤗

Cancerversary

I have been feeling very agitated lately! Kinda wanting to jump out of my skin agitated!! All without any real reason, or so I thought

…however looking at the calendar, I realised that 3 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer!  There is not really much I want to say about this, there is no witty blog about how great life is now- because at the moment I feel a bit lost!

Lost because I don’t know where I am going! Lost because I don’t feel quite at home at the moment. Lost because I just don’t really know what I want to do! I don’t know where I want to be! And whilst I have never been one for being particularly decisive in knowing what I want, I feel that breast cancer has robbed me of my choices. Being on a daily, monthly and biannual cocktail of drugs I can’t just pack my bags and leave! I no longer can be carefree and spontaneous, but have to plan ahead, ensure I have medical cover wherever I go, and remember to take my pills!

At the moment I just want to spit out my dummy!! and say this if fucking unfair!!

For a little tbt here is a picture of me bold, a first for me! I have never shared this with anyone!!

Booked

So super duper excited!!!!

Flights for my father/daughter/marathon trip to Turkey in November have been booked! It’s been 11 years that I visited Turkey properly!! I lived ther for 6 years, and in a way it’s my 2nd home!! We will be flying to Ankara, Cappadocia and Istanbul to visit friends and eat lots of amazing Turkish food!!! I can’t wait!!! Ohhh and run a marathon in 2 continents! Bonus!!

I also booked my flights earlier on this month to fly to Rio de Janeiro in December/January to go and visit my sister there! Having been born in Brazil, she has a Brasilian passport, and after meeting her boyfriend on her travels through Central Amerika, she now works as an English teacher in Rio. Christmas and New Years Eve in Brazil- whoop, whoop!

I love life at the moment!!

For those who ask themselves how I can afford this- it’s all about priorities, I don’t have a morgage, nor do I have kids, nor pets for that matter. I drive a car that is as basic as you can get. My life is about living in the moment, enjoying the now, I want to enjoy what I have now- because no one knows what will happen tomorrow. Today I am well, so I will travel 😄

And snooz…

I ran my 6 race this year today- the Leeds 10K…I did in 1:04 min, which is 6 minutes faster than last year, and I was wearing a boob!

Hopefully next year I will finally beat the 60 minute mark!

I am of to book my flights for my trip to Turkey now! I am planning on running the Istanbul Marathon in November and I ended up organising a little father daughter trip around it 😃.